Can Long Distance Relationships Work? Some Advice From a 'Veteran'

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When I say, 'veteran', I don't mean being in the armed services. What I mean is that I've been in a number of long-distance relationships. In fact, my current husband and I were in a long-distance relationship up until I moved to Georgia to be with him. The relationship before that was also long- distance, so I've come to learn a lot about how these things work. Hopefully I can use this experience to help others deal with the challenges long-distance couples face.

I'll start off by saying this: your relationship needs to be aiming for the two of you to eventually be at the same place. It is very hard for a relationship to build the kind of commitment and intimacy needed to work long-term if you don't have a goal in mind. It needs to be going somewhere, or else it's just going to stagnate and make both you and your partner miserable. I don't mean to be overdramatic; it's just that I have been in this position before I met my husband. Saying, 'I'll move there after XYZ is finished' when there's no clear plan for XYZ or just, “I'll move there eventually” isn't going to cut it. It might work fine for the short-term but, if you're trying to build or maintain a long-term relationship, there needs to be a plan for the future. You don't necessarily have to have your wedding planned out, but the two of you need to be on the same page so that one person doesn't feel like they are doing all the 'work'. Trust me on this one!

Also, you need to keep in regular contact. This probably goes without saying, but it is essential to keep the lines of communication open and to use them on a regular basis. I'd suggest at least four to five days a week, but you can work out what works best for you. Set aside a specific time-say, weeknights after Letterman-that the two of you will devote to talking/chatting to each other. If you have a more-or-less regular schedule, you'll be able to focus more and be sure you don't miss the calls. When you do talk to each other, be sure there is some quality to the conversations. You may not always have a whole lot to say, but make those phone calls count.

Be very upfront with each other about how you are feeling. Even with regular calls and visits, you can still get lonely at times. Loneliness can sometimes lead you to do things you otherwise wouldn't, so being honest about this is very helpful. Perhaps there is something you can both change to relieve the loneliness but, even if there isn't, being upfront can help you better deal with it. Keeping busy can help a lot in terms of giving you something to take your mind off of things.

I hope the advice I've given here can help you in your relationship. It definitely takes effort, but good ones are worth it.

How To Identify And Deal With Toxic People

We all have times when people get on our nerves, and there are probably some people you can only take in small doses. Some people seem to always make us feel bad about ourselves, and you can be angry and upset after every encounter with them. Believe it or not, there is a such thing as a 'toxic person'. But how can you tell if someone is truly toxic, as opposed to just annoying? How do we deal with them?

Examples of toxic people are those who:

• constantly complain
• talk about others behind their backs
• put others down
• seem to enjoy taking things out on other people
• find fault in everything you say and do
• constantly stick their nose where it doesn't belong
• Take advantage of you but never give anything in return and make you feel guilty for saying 'no' to them

One thing that is 'tricky' about toxic people is that they're often not entirely 'bad' people. A person could be toxic in some situations, but not others. I have a friend who is the first one to jump in if you ever need help, but she comes across as very negative. She does complain a lot and sounds like she's criticizing when she's not, but that's mostly because of the tone of voice she uses without even knowing she's using it. Part of dealing with toxic people is knowing what to take to heart and what to just ignore. Here are a few other ways to deal with them:

• Limit your contact with them whenever possible. If you can't completely avoid them, try to avoid getting into situations with them that may bring about the toxic behavior.
• Set firm boundaries. If they tend to take advantage of you, make it clear what you are and are not willing to do for them. If they are meddlers, make it clear what is and is not their business. If they are complainers or gossips, make it clear that you do not want to 'participate'. If they try to lay a 'guilt trip' on you, remember that you have every right to say 'no' to something you don't want to do.
• If they direct their gossip or ire against you, don't bother to defend yourself or argue with them. Basically, don't play their game.
• As I said above, identify what the toxic behavior is and tune it out. Change the subject, leave the room or find something else to focus on.
• If there are positive things about this person, try to remember those things.
• Above all, take care of yourself. If being around this person or behavior is taxing your mental health, don't feel guilty about walking away.

Hopefully I've given good advice that can help you deal with the toxic people in your life. Overall, you cannot change another person's behavior or thought patterns. You can, however, change your own so that you can better deal with them.