7 Bad Reasons To Stay In A Relationship, Part II

(continued from previous post)

5) You don't know when to quit. It's true that every relationship has its ups and downs as time and life goes on. In fact, I think part of the reason for the high divorce rate in this country is that some people have no concept of this and bail once it's not fun anymore. However, it's very possible to lean too far in the other direction. We think that if we just work a little harder on things, change ourselves enough or change him enough, things will work out. This isn't necessarily true. Sometimes a relationship can't be saved because it's not meant to be saved.

6) You don't want to hurt him/be mean/etc. For many of us, our good nature tells us that we have to be nice all the time. If we hurt someone or do something that could be seen as 'mean', we feel guilty. I once had someone manipulate me like this, and I regret it to this day. He threatened to hurt himself more than once, and I didn't want to be responsible for something like that. Who would? If he says something like this to get you to stay, don't fall for it! If someone is unbalanced enough to hurt himself because of a breakup, he needs a lot more help than you could give. This is coming from someone who has been on both sides.

Think about it this way; what would you rather have done for you? Would you rather him stay with you when he clearly doesn't want to, or would you want him to break it off all at once? The longer a breakup is dragged out, the more painful it is for everyone.

7) You're afraid to be alone. This is a big one for me. You might have been in a relationship of some kind for so long that you don't know what to do with yourself if you don't have a partner. You worry that you won't be able to get him back if you realize you made a mistake or if you can't find anyone else. Trust me, being alone is better than being with the wrong person. Also, you're probably not truly alone-you have friends, family, pets, etc. As hard as it is to leave our 'comfort zone', sometimes it's the only thing we can do. 'The devil you know' is still a devil.

If one or more of these things are true for you, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship with your partner. Yes, the breakup will hurt. That's a given. However, sometimes there is no painless way out of a situation. If you stay too long in the wrong relationship, you may miss out on the right one.

It's well worth the effort to save a good relationship. However, if you are always trying to save it, it's probably not a good relationship.

7 Bad Reasons To Stay In A Relationship, Part 1

Have you ever been in a bad relationship? I'm not necessarily talking about abuse; I'm talking about staying in a situation you aren't happy with. I've had relationships where we both knew it was over, but no one wanted to say the words. I've also had them where I wasn't happy but, for whatever reason, I thought I had to stay. I know I'm not alone in this. Have you ever wondered why his happens? Here are some of the more common (and also more destructive) reasons.

1) You feel pressured to settle down. While it's true that attitudes regarding women and relationships have come a long way in the past few decades, some of us may still feel as though we are 'behind'. Think about it-have you ever had your mother ask when you are going to give her grandchildren? Do well-meaning friends and relatives try to 'set you up' with people they know? “I just met X's son...he's a dentist, he's single, he doesn't have any kids or ex-wives etc. ” You get the idea. Also, are all of your friends married? The pressure to settle down and start a family can be enormous, sometimes to the point where we will stay in a relationship we don't want to be in because we feel like we 'have to'. As much as we want to please Grandma or give her great-grandchildren before she dies (another common 'rationalization'), remember that she is not the one who has to live with your partner; you are. Don't stay in an unhappy relationship to please someone else.

2) Your 'biological clock' is ticking. On the same tip as above, some women stay with a partner they aren't happy with because they want to have a child. I'm not getting any younger, they think, so I'd better settle down and have a child before it's 'too late'. I completely understand this; in fact, sometimes the clock ticks so loud that I fear I'll go deaf. However, don't stay with a man because think time is running out. The truth is that all of those 'facts' we heard growing up about the dangers of having kids in our late 30s and beyond are no longer true; that is, if they ever were to begin with. Until you enter menopause, you are not 'too old'.

3) The sex is great. He might rock your world in the bedroom, but what happens when you're not in bed? What will it be like when the 'sparks' inevitably fade?

4) 'For The Kids”. This is admirable, but kids often pick up on negative feelings in their home. In fact, several of my friends whose parents have stayed together when they weren't happy tell me that they wish their parents had just gotten a divorce because it made them feel guilty. They felt that they were ultimately the cause of their parents' pain and just wanted everyone to be happy, even if that meant they weren't living in the same house anymore. Yes, their parents' breakup was hard, but it was better than having to listen to them fight all the time or knowing that they didn't love each other the way spouses should. Remember, this is how they learn how to handle their own relationships in the future.

For brevity's sake, I will continue this in another post.

Cute Romantic Gestures

I've been around a lot of happy marriages. For instance,  my parents were married for 28 years and would have been married for 28 more had my mother not passed away. My brother and his partner have been together for 33 years-almost as long as I've been alive. When I was working in a fancy restaurant, I once waited on a couple who had been married for over 50 years and still liked each other! When you consider that many couples nowadays barely celebrate their 2nd anniversary, you know what an achievement that is! When asked what their 'secret' is, they all said that part of keeping romance alive comes from not settling into a pattern-while they may not go all out like they may have done before, they still do some 'little things' to show their love for each other. I figure that, if it worked for them, maybe it will work for us too.  On that tip, here are some ways to surprise your partner and let you know you're thinking of him.

• Re-call good memories. For instance, my husband and I met at a wedding. I think it's sweet that he still remembers the song ("Fire Woman" by the Blue Oyster Cult) that was playing in the car when we drove to a restaurant after a wedding reception. I remember how I got his name wrong (he has an unusual name) and how he was laughing and having fun with his friends.
• 
  Re-create your first date. Go to the same restaurant, rent the same movie, play the same music etc.
   
• Re-count stories of things like how you met, when you knew you were going to be together forever, what first attracted to you to each other, etc.
   
• Send him a sweet text message.
   
• Take a bubble bath together.
   
• Finally finish That Task You Keep Putting Off.
   
• Leave him notes all over the house. The pad next to the phone, a Post-it on the coffee maker, a note in his lunch bag.
   
• Take a moonlit walk.
   
• Make a list of everything you love about him and leave it in a place he will find it, but that isn't obvious.
   
• Write him a love poem. Don't worry if you're not good with that sort of thing; he might actually find that endearing!
   
• Dress nice and fix up the house for no reason at all.
   
• Kiss under the stars.
   
• If you have pets, write funny notes in their names. I once left my husband a funny note in our cat Slater's name, including misspelling. He thought it was cute. I did the same thing for him on Father's Day, but signed all five names.
   
• Make him a 'coupon book' with favors he can 'cash in'. Stuff like "Get out of the doghouse free', 'you pick the restaurant", "good for one free foot rub", "sexual favor of your choice", etc.
   
• If you don't work outside the home, get up with him in the morning and see him off.
   
• When he's in the shower, draw a heart in the steam on the mirror. I'd say 'lipstick', but steam is much easier to clean.
   
• On the tip above, write notes in unexpected ways. For instance, my husband once wrote 'Love You' with a pressure washer when we were cleaning the patio. I also once saw a man write a love note in Spanish all over a paper tablecloth. That might not seem like much, but it's much more than I could ever do!
   
• Send him love emails. Just make sure that they're only on his *personal* email and, if you send him 'racy' ones, make sure to label them as 'not safe for work'! Ditto pictures.
   
• If you can, designate one night a week as 'date night'. This way, you are free to go somewhere that doesn't have crayons on the table. Or, if it does, you are free to draw whatever you want. :) 
   
• On that tip-if you are an artist of sorts, draw something sweet (or sexy!) for him. 

Hopefully you'll get a lot of mileage out of these tips, as well as coming up with some of your own. It's amazing how much these little things can make a person feel loved and appreciated. What are some 'little things' you like to do?

Can Long Distance Relationships Work? Some Advice From a 'Veteran'

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When I say, 'veteran', I don't mean being in the armed services. What I mean is that I've been in a number of long-distance relationships. In fact, my current husband and I were in a long-distance relationship up until I moved to Georgia to be with him. The relationship before that was also long- distance, so I've come to learn a lot about how these things work. Hopefully I can use this experience to help others deal with the challenges long-distance couples face.

I'll start off by saying this: your relationship needs to be aiming for the two of you to eventually be at the same place. It is very hard for a relationship to build the kind of commitment and intimacy needed to work long-term if you don't have a goal in mind. It needs to be going somewhere, or else it's just going to stagnate and make both you and your partner miserable. I don't mean to be overdramatic; it's just that I have been in this position before I met my husband. Saying, 'I'll move there after XYZ is finished' when there's no clear plan for XYZ or just, “I'll move there eventually” isn't going to cut it. It might work fine for the short-term but, if you're trying to build or maintain a long-term relationship, there needs to be a plan for the future. You don't necessarily have to have your wedding planned out, but the two of you need to be on the same page so that one person doesn't feel like they are doing all the 'work'. Trust me on this one!

Also, you need to keep in regular contact. This probably goes without saying, but it is essential to keep the lines of communication open and to use them on a regular basis. I'd suggest at least four to five days a week, but you can work out what works best for you. Set aside a specific time-say, weeknights after Letterman-that the two of you will devote to talking/chatting to each other. If you have a more-or-less regular schedule, you'll be able to focus more and be sure you don't miss the calls. When you do talk to each other, be sure there is some quality to the conversations. You may not always have a whole lot to say, but make those phone calls count.

Be very upfront with each other about how you are feeling. Even with regular calls and visits, you can still get lonely at times. Loneliness can sometimes lead you to do things you otherwise wouldn't, so being honest about this is very helpful. Perhaps there is something you can both change to relieve the loneliness but, even if there isn't, being upfront can help you better deal with it. Keeping busy can help a lot in terms of giving you something to take your mind off of things.

I hope the advice I've given here can help you in your relationship. It definitely takes effort, but good ones are worth it.

Five ways to get over a breakup

There's a saying that, “it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” That may be, but that doesn't mean that the 'losing' part doesn't hurt while you're dealing with it. Breaking up is never an easy thing to do, but there are a few ways that you can ease any pain you may be feeling.

• Get depressed. Then, get dressed. Let yourself feel sad, angry or whatever is is that you're feeling. If you don't deal with your feelings, they're just going to get worse. However, don't wallow in them for too long.
• Have a 'chick flick' party. When I had a particularly difficult breakup, my friends consoled me by throwing me a 'chick flick' party. We got together in my dorm room with several pints of ice cream, candy, soda and The First Wives' Club. This movie is one of the ultimate 'girl power' movies, which made it perfect for our 'get over him' theme. Few things make you forget the bad parts of a relationship better than Ben and Jerry's! For some reason, Cherry Garcia seems to have a particularly therapeutic effect. :)
• Remove any 'evidence' of him that you can. While you may not be able to get rid of all reminders of your ex (especially living, breathing ones!), there's no reason that you have to keep everything lying around. Put away the jewelry he gave you, that tape of love songs he made and any other 'reminders' that you can. I'm not saying throw them out because many of them do have value to you, but it might be easier to get over him if you don't have to look at his face all the time. You can bring everything back out later on.
• Enlist the help of your friends. A breakup is a good time to lean on your friends. That is one reason the 'chick flick' party was so helpful; my friends refused to allow me to wallow in self-pity and made sure I had a good time. Find ways to spend more time with your friends, particularly if you weren't able to when you were with your ex.
• Stay away from the old haunts. That nice little bistro you went to on your first date is now officially off-limits. At least, it is until you can walk by it without thinking of him. When you're trying to get over a breakup, one of the last things you need is something that will trigger wistful thoughts of the good times you had together. While it will be good to be able to remember these things later on, you might be a bit too raw for this at first.

These are just a few suggestions I've picked up along the way. I can't tell you how to deal with your particular relationships, but it's good to have a few ideas as to how to get over your ex and get back to life again.

Signs A Relationship Might Not Work Out

My parents once told me, 'never date anyone you couldn't marry.' If you think about it, it's really good advice. You don't want to waste your time with a person or in a position that isn't good for you. Life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship. There have been so many times that I've stayed in relationships longer than I really should have because I couldn't admit to myself that it wasn't going to work out. I wasted a lot of time and energy this way! In the hopes that I can save you from doing the same thing, here are a few signs that a relationship isn't going to work out.

• You and your partner are not at the same place and/or stage in your lives. This is where age can be a factor. Even if you are the same age, however, problems can crop up if you are at two totally different and conflicting places in your lives. For instance, someone still living at home while in school is probably in a different stage than an independently-living professional. A young, single person is usually in a different stage than someone who is divorced with kids. If you are working toward being in the same place in your lives, that's fine. However, things may not go anywhere if one of you is always playing 'catch-up'.
• Your expectations don't line up. If one of you is hoping for marriage while the other just wants to date and have fun, that can be a problem. Expectations often change as the relationship develops, but you need to at least have an understanding of where things are headed. If not, you might find yourself stuck in a rut. You should at least be on the same page.
• You find yourself constantly wanting to change the other person, or vice versa. It's one thing to try to get your boyfriend not to wear the bikini-girl shirt in front of your mother, but the two of you shouldn't be trying to make each other into something else entirely. While you may not love everything about each other, there needs to be an underlying respect and acceptance. Otherwise, why would you want to be in the relationship to begin with?

I'm not a therapist by any means, but these are a few things I've learned over the course of my life. I learned them the hard way, and I'm sharing them so that you may not have to. There's just one more thing I'll mention:

Above all, ask yourself if you are wiling to live the rest of your life in the same position you are in right now. Hopefully things will change for the better, but you should be prepared for the possibility they won't. The old adage of 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst' is very apt in this situation. It might very well be worth the effort needed to save a good relationship. However, if you're always trying to save it, chances are it's not a good relationship.