Part 1: Misconceptions About Rape/Sexual Assault

Warning: this post may be triggering to some readers.

Unfortunately, it's said that 1 in 6 women in the US have or will experience a rape or attempt at rape in their lifetime. Judging from people I know and other things I've read, this statistic is nowhere *near* the actual number because rapes and other forms of sexual assault often go unreported for one reason or another. I wanted to write this post because I know of several women who have been raped or sexually assaulted but didn't see it for what it was because they thought rape only 'looked one way'.


It has to be intercourse.
Answer-Not always. Different states have different rules, but most give some sort of 'label' to other sexual acts. For instance, some will extend the definition of 'rape' to include oral sex or penetration by a foreign object.. Sexual assault includes conduct that stops short of rape but that is still unwanted-for instance, fondling or other sexual touching. That was the case with me; for ages I felt as though I didn't 'have a case' because it wasn't intercourse, but the truth is that it doesn't have to be. Some states use the two terms interchangeably, which can get confusing. Whatever it's called, it's wrong. I'm not only talking about the legal definition anyway; 'fitting' or not, it's still a traumatic experience. I know this might sound strange, but knowing that there is a *name* for what happened to you can go a long way in helping you recover.

It only happens to women, by men.

Answer-Rape and sexual assault involve unwanted sexual contact, period. This applies to men, women, children, heterosexuals, homosexuals...anyone. I'm using the male pronouns because the majority of rapes are women-by-men, but it doesn't have to be.

He's my boyfriend/husband, we're supposed to have sex.
Answer-It doesn't matter what the relationship is. Even if it doesn't go to the level of sex, it's still wrong for him to push you to do things you don't want to do. It doesn't have to be physically forced, either; it can also be emotional or psychological coercion. That was the case with me-he never forced himself on me physically, but he made me feel like I 'had to' by lying and taking advantage of my reluctance to hurt someone's feelings. Going along with it because you're being coerced ('if you won't have sex with me, I'll rape you', 'You must not really love me then." "X Other Woman would, maybe I should drop you and go out with her instead') still 'counts'.

There's a 'threshold' that cannot be crossed for something to be considered rape.
I can't really think of a good label for this, but it doesn't matter what 'stage' your encounter is in. You can be making out, have your clothes off, already having sex...'No' and 'Stop' still apply. I know a lot of men will tell you that you 'can't back up the truck' or something similar, but you have every right to stop if you aren't comfortable. If you say 'stop' and he doesn't, it's rape. Period.

Rape is about sex.
Answer-Not entirely.  More often than not, sex is being used as a weapon to dominate or otherwise assert power over another person. Some people may push sex on you because that's what they want to do and they don't have enough respect for you (or women in general) to take no for an answer, but it's still the element of force and disrespect that is at play here. However powerful a man's sex drive might be, decent men won't resort to this sort of behavior.


What you wear/your past/how you act makes it 'okay'.
Answer-No. While men can definitely get the wrong idea from these things, it is never permissible for them to assume consent and 'proceed' if you do not want them to. You should make your feelings very clear *anytime*, but especially when he could get the wrong idea.

For 'prevention and escape strategies', see the next post.

Part 2: Rape/Sexual Assault Prevention

While rape is *never* the victim's fault, here are a few things you can do to avoid a bad situation.


-Never get yourself in a position (drunk, high etc) where you are not in control of your actions. To prevent being drugged by someone else, keep an eye on your drinks and don't accept drinks from men you don't know or trust. If someone wants to buy you a drink, go up to the bar with him so you can see it being poured and carry it yourself. If you're at a party, avoid drinking from 'common containers' like the punchbowl. Frankly, I find that disgusting anyway. 

-When you go out to a bar or club, go with a group and stay together. A good 'Girls Night' is something we all need anyway!

-Trust your instincts. Take a self-defense class if it will make you feel more confident.

-Have your cell phone and cash with you at all times.

-If you take public transportation, stay in lighted stations and follow a schedule to avoid standing around waiting.

-Keep your car doors locked and your gas tank at least half full.

-Even though a large percentage of attacks involve someone the victim knows, you should never be alone with anyone you don't know well. You should stay within 'yelling distance' of other people. It's odd, but one thing I've heard is not to yell, 'rape' in a hallway. Yell 'fire' instead. A lot of people won't intervene in the first scenario because they don't want to get involved, but 'fire' is a guarantee that people will come out.  That will give you an opportunity to get away.


And, for what is probably the most important...
-Always, always, always be aware of your surroundings! Don't walk alone at night, stay in lighted areas and always watch where you're going. Being distracted by your phone or Blackberry lets down your guard and thus makes you more vulnerable to surprise attacks. Ditto being weighed down with a bunch of shopping bags or looking through your purse. Have your keys ready!



The vast majority of men out there are good, decent people. Even so, we need to be aware of the ones that aren't. Stay safe, ladies.



For more information, visit http://www.rainn.org/.

Is It Possible To Be Asexual?

Yesterday I read an advice column letter about a man who doesn't like sex. Dear Prudence

Scroll down to the middle of the page. 

I found this really interesting and confusing at the same time. After all, who doesn't like sex? More pointedly, what man doesn't like sex? I guess when we see how, um, hormonal some men can get, it's hard to imagine. :) However, I guess it is possible to be 'asexual'. I think this is worth mentioning because a lot of people will worry about their teenagers (or themselves) if they haven't expressed interest in or had a relationship with the opposite sex. I've experienced this firsthand, albeit not from my parents. While I don't think there is any reason to worry, others may disagree. Plus, I just found it interesting.

First, let me give some definitions. When I say 'asexual', I'm not talking about someone who has another reason not to want to have sex. For instance, monks and priests will take a vow of celibacy because of their commitment to their religion. I have a sorority sister who feels she is 'called to be single' in the same way the apostle Paul speaks about being able to focus on his missionary work because he's not distracted by anything else. This is because celibacy is a behavior, not an orientation.

I'm also not talking about someone who doesn't want sex because they've had some sort of trauma. Judging from the ones I know, it seems that many rape victims go one of two directions-they either don't want anything to do with sex or they do it like it's nothing. They may still feel desire, but their past experience either scares them or takes any possible appeal out of it. I can't say I blame them.

On a lighter note, I'm also not talking about a guy who hasn't had a girlfriend in a while and says he's 'asexual' so people will stop thinking he's gay. This was my stepbrother in high school. We've been out of school for a good while now, and he still gets that sometimes. I don't know about his 'desires' and, frankly, I don't want to know. There's not enough 'brain bleach' in the world to get that stain out. :)

I'm talking about people who have no sexual desire at all, or will only develop it after first making an emotional connection. I've also heard of asexual people who experience desire, but it's not often enough to make a difference or strong enough to want to act on it.

I found it interesting to see that asexuality doesn't necessarily mean that they are perpetually single. Like the gentleman in the letter above, asexual people can definitely form romantic connections. In fact, I think it might actually be easier for them to do this because they can focus more on the emotional aspects. I've known people (mostly men) who stayed in a relationship with someone they actually couldn't stand simply because that person was good in the sack. I know from experience how painful it can be when we mistake a sexual connection for an emotional one.

Like others who don't have kids 'by a certain age', some asexual people are thought to be 'disordered' because they don't have the urge to procreate that everyone thinks they should have. This isn't true; some people, like the sorority sister I mention above, simply don't care. It's not a defense mechanism because she's never had sex or a relationship to defend herself from; she just doesn't think about it.

If this post has piqued your interest, check out this article. http://queereka.com/2012/04/10/13-myths-and-misconceptions-about-asexual-people-part-one/ Personally, I just like to see how other people live.

Strange Aphrodisiacs From Around The World

Oysters.

Chocolate.

Mushrooms.

Tiger penis?

I'm sure we've all heard about foods that are supposed to 'put us in the mood'. Whether or not what we eat has anything to do with sexual drive or prowess is debatable, but that hasn't stopped pretty much every society in the known world from viewing certain items as aphrodisiacs. Some are more, um, palatable than others. Here are some fabled libido-boosters from around the world.

• Rhino Horn. While it's not known for sure whether or not ground-up rhinoceros horn helps the libido, one thing is certain-this legend is largely responsible for the fact that the African black rhinoceros is nearly extinct. It's usually used in China and northern India as an additive to a soup. I have no idea how it tastes, but I really don't want to.
• Sea Cucumber. No, I'm not talking about those weird water-filled toys we played with as kids. This sea creature is thought to be an aphrodisiac because of its appearance as much as anything else. It's shaped like a pickle and becomes stiff and squirts liquid when it's disturbed. Remind you of anything? :) This Chinese delicacy takes a really long time to cook (days!), which is why it's usually dried before being sold in Chinese markets. When it's cooked correctly, though, it is very tender and rich in flavor. Some people like it just for the taste, with its libido-boosting properties being a charming bonus.
• Fugu. Also known as the blowfish, the fugu is one of the most deadly foods the sea has to offer. When prepared by a specially-trained Japanese chef, however, it is thought to bring about sexual arousal through the tingling sensation it causes in the lips and cheeks. Somehow the idea that something I'm eating could possibly kill me takes away any sexual desire I may have had before. That's just my opinion, though.
• Birds' Nest Soup. You won't find this Chinese delicacy on a restaurant menu any time soon. It's made from the nests of a bird called the swift, a bird that lives in caves and uses its own saliva to build its nests. It's usually soaked in water overnight, boiled and topped with sugar. Since it takes a lot of work to harvest the nets from their caves in a way that keeps them useable, this stuff is really expensive-to the tune of $100 an ounce! Although some women would be excited by the very fact that their partner is able to drop this kind of money on a food item, the jury's out on how well it works.
• Tiger Penis. Like the rhinoceros horn, the idea of a tiger's member being a libido enhancer is at least partly responsible for the near-extinction of these beautiful big cats. Mostly found in China and South Korea, it's served in a spicy soup. Say that five times fast!

As you can see, aphrodisiacs around the world take many forms. I have no idea whether any of these things actually work, but some people swear by them. As for me, I think I'll stick to chocolate! That, and black olives (also thought to be an aphrodisiac)! If you are more adventurous and try any of these things, let us know how they work for you!