Online Dating Safety Tips

Dating online can be exciting, but also confusing. Here are a few things you should keep in mind when meeting someone new.


-Make the date something small at first, like coffee or lunch during the day. Meeting someone on your lunch break gives you an "out" if you don't care for the person. If you do, you can always make another date.

-Meet in a public place. If possible, "double" with a friend. This also forces you to drive your own car as opposed to having to get in theirs or have them in yours. If you can't double, at least let a friend or roommate know where you're going and when you plan to be back.

-Be careful about how you talk to other people in the room as well as your date. You don't want to be overly flirtatious because, even if you aren't saying these things (like joking about the waiter's last name being "Finger" or whatnot) to your date, he could get the idea that you're the kind of person who would fool around like that with strangers and take advantage of that. I know this seems extreme and overly cautious, but better safe than sorry.

-Take his number rather than giving out yours. Keep your home phone number, personal email, address to yourself until you feel more comfortable. Don't let him pick you up or pick him up, don't let him take you home or come in until you know him bitter.

-This should be obvious, but don't drink too much, leave a drink unattended or accept a drink you did not see poured. In fact, that's another good reason to get together during the day because most people don't have alcohol on their lunch break. It may be "five o'clock somewhere", but not here.

-Be careful about how much or what information you give. Not readily giving out your address and phone number is obvious, but those aren't the only things you should keep under wraps. I'm a very open person, so there are times when I've given too much information without realizing it. The story about getting a dragonfly tattoo on Spring Break after five shots of tequila or might be funny, but it really isn't something you want to tell someone you don't know very well. Ditto the one about how you can drink your sisters under the table when it comes to liquor (true story!) but get a buzz from beer. Things like this can give a potential date the wrong idea. I probably don't have to tell you what could happen if the wrong person heard that last one.

-Talk with him on the phone before meeting in person. As well as hearing his voice, this can give you an idea about whether or not he's really the person you thought he was. It's not hard for someone to be a lot more suave/funny/intelligent in writing than in real life, where they don't have the benefit of poetry books within reach or a lucky-in-love friend telling them what to say.

-Don't let the conversation go too deep. Keep it light at first, no matter how strong the “chemistry” is. If he starts to talk about things that make you uncomfortable, end the call and don't talk with him again.

-Don't dominate the conversation. The point of dating-online or otherwise-is to get to know the other person. If you do all the talking and ramble on about your job or your mother, it will bore him out of his mind as well as not give him any chance to tell you anything about himself.

Part 1: Misconceptions About Rape/Sexual Assault

Warning: this post may be triggering to some readers.

Unfortunately, it's said that 1 in 6 women in the US have or will experience a rape or attempt at rape in their lifetime. Judging from people I know and other things I've read, this statistic is nowhere *near* the actual number because rapes and other forms of sexual assault often go unreported for one reason or another. I wanted to write this post because I know of several women who have been raped or sexually assaulted but didn't see it for what it was because they thought rape only 'looked one way'.


It has to be intercourse.
Answer-Not always. Different states have different rules, but most give some sort of 'label' to other sexual acts. For instance, some will extend the definition of 'rape' to include oral sex or penetration by a foreign object.. Sexual assault includes conduct that stops short of rape but that is still unwanted-for instance, fondling or other sexual touching. That was the case with me; for ages I felt as though I didn't 'have a case' because it wasn't intercourse, but the truth is that it doesn't have to be. Some states use the two terms interchangeably, which can get confusing. Whatever it's called, it's wrong. I'm not only talking about the legal definition anyway; 'fitting' or not, it's still a traumatic experience. I know this might sound strange, but knowing that there is a *name* for what happened to you can go a long way in helping you recover.

It only happens to women, by men.

Answer-Rape and sexual assault involve unwanted sexual contact, period. This applies to men, women, children, heterosexuals, homosexuals...anyone. I'm using the male pronouns because the majority of rapes are women-by-men, but it doesn't have to be.

He's my boyfriend/husband, we're supposed to have sex.
Answer-It doesn't matter what the relationship is. Even if it doesn't go to the level of sex, it's still wrong for him to push you to do things you don't want to do. It doesn't have to be physically forced, either; it can also be emotional or psychological coercion. That was the case with me-he never forced himself on me physically, but he made me feel like I 'had to' by lying and taking advantage of my reluctance to hurt someone's feelings. Going along with it because you're being coerced ('if you won't have sex with me, I'll rape you', 'You must not really love me then." "X Other Woman would, maybe I should drop you and go out with her instead') still 'counts'.

There's a 'threshold' that cannot be crossed for something to be considered rape.
I can't really think of a good label for this, but it doesn't matter what 'stage' your encounter is in. You can be making out, have your clothes off, already having sex...'No' and 'Stop' still apply. I know a lot of men will tell you that you 'can't back up the truck' or something similar, but you have every right to stop if you aren't comfortable. If you say 'stop' and he doesn't, it's rape. Period.

Rape is about sex.
Answer-Not entirely.  More often than not, sex is being used as a weapon to dominate or otherwise assert power over another person. Some people may push sex on you because that's what they want to do and they don't have enough respect for you (or women in general) to take no for an answer, but it's still the element of force and disrespect that is at play here. However powerful a man's sex drive might be, decent men won't resort to this sort of behavior.


What you wear/your past/how you act makes it 'okay'.
Answer-No. While men can definitely get the wrong idea from these things, it is never permissible for them to assume consent and 'proceed' if you do not want them to. You should make your feelings very clear *anytime*, but especially when he could get the wrong idea.

For 'prevention and escape strategies', see the next post.

Part 2: Rape/Sexual Assault Prevention

While rape is *never* the victim's fault, here are a few things you can do to avoid a bad situation.


-Never get yourself in a position (drunk, high etc) where you are not in control of your actions. To prevent being drugged by someone else, keep an eye on your drinks and don't accept drinks from men you don't know or trust. If someone wants to buy you a drink, go up to the bar with him so you can see it being poured and carry it yourself. If you're at a party, avoid drinking from 'common containers' like the punchbowl. Frankly, I find that disgusting anyway. 

-When you go out to a bar or club, go with a group and stay together. A good 'Girls Night' is something we all need anyway!

-Trust your instincts. Take a self-defense class if it will make you feel more confident.

-Have your cell phone and cash with you at all times.

-If you take public transportation, stay in lighted stations and follow a schedule to avoid standing around waiting.

-Keep your car doors locked and your gas tank at least half full.

-Even though a large percentage of attacks involve someone the victim knows, you should never be alone with anyone you don't know well. You should stay within 'yelling distance' of other people. It's odd, but one thing I've heard is not to yell, 'rape' in a hallway. Yell 'fire' instead. A lot of people won't intervene in the first scenario because they don't want to get involved, but 'fire' is a guarantee that people will come out.  That will give you an opportunity to get away.


And, for what is probably the most important...
-Always, always, always be aware of your surroundings! Don't walk alone at night, stay in lighted areas and always watch where you're going. Being distracted by your phone or Blackberry lets down your guard and thus makes you more vulnerable to surprise attacks. Ditto being weighed down with a bunch of shopping bags or looking through your purse. Have your keys ready!



The vast majority of men out there are good, decent people. Even so, we need to be aware of the ones that aren't. Stay safe, ladies.



For more information, visit http://www.rainn.org/.