7 Bad Reasons To Stay In A Relationship, Part II

(continued from previous post)

5) You don't know when to quit. It's true that every relationship has its ups and downs as time and life goes on. In fact, I think part of the reason for the high divorce rate in this country is that some people have no concept of this and bail once it's not fun anymore. However, it's very possible to lean too far in the other direction. We think that if we just work a little harder on things, change ourselves enough or change him enough, things will work out. This isn't necessarily true. Sometimes a relationship can't be saved because it's not meant to be saved.

6) You don't want to hurt him/be mean/etc. For many of us, our good nature tells us that we have to be nice all the time. If we hurt someone or do something that could be seen as 'mean', we feel guilty. I once had someone manipulate me like this, and I regret it to this day. He threatened to hurt himself more than once, and I didn't want to be responsible for something like that. Who would? If he says something like this to get you to stay, don't fall for it! If someone is unbalanced enough to hurt himself because of a breakup, he needs a lot more help than you could give. This is coming from someone who has been on both sides.

Think about it this way; what would you rather have done for you? Would you rather him stay with you when he clearly doesn't want to, or would you want him to break it off all at once? The longer a breakup is dragged out, the more painful it is for everyone.

7) You're afraid to be alone. This is a big one for me. You might have been in a relationship of some kind for so long that you don't know what to do with yourself if you don't have a partner. You worry that you won't be able to get him back if you realize you made a mistake or if you can't find anyone else. Trust me, being alone is better than being with the wrong person. Also, you're probably not truly alone-you have friends, family, pets, etc. As hard as it is to leave our 'comfort zone', sometimes it's the only thing we can do. 'The devil you know' is still a devil.

If one or more of these things are true for you, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship with your partner. Yes, the breakup will hurt. That's a given. However, sometimes there is no painless way out of a situation. If you stay too long in the wrong relationship, you may miss out on the right one.

It's well worth the effort to save a good relationship. However, if you are always trying to save it, it's probably not a good relationship.

7 Bad Reasons To Stay In A Relationship, Part 1

Have you ever been in a bad relationship? I'm not necessarily talking about abuse; I'm talking about staying in a situation you aren't happy with. I've had relationships where we both knew it was over, but no one wanted to say the words. I've also had them where I wasn't happy but, for whatever reason, I thought I had to stay. I know I'm not alone in this. Have you ever wondered why his happens? Here are some of the more common (and also more destructive) reasons.

1) You feel pressured to settle down. While it's true that attitudes regarding women and relationships have come a long way in the past few decades, some of us may still feel as though we are 'behind'. Think about it-have you ever had your mother ask when you are going to give her grandchildren? Do well-meaning friends and relatives try to 'set you up' with people they know? “I just met X's son...he's a dentist, he's single, he doesn't have any kids or ex-wives etc. ” You get the idea. Also, are all of your friends married? The pressure to settle down and start a family can be enormous, sometimes to the point where we will stay in a relationship we don't want to be in because we feel like we 'have to'. As much as we want to please Grandma or give her great-grandchildren before she dies (another common 'rationalization'), remember that she is not the one who has to live with your partner; you are. Don't stay in an unhappy relationship to please someone else.

2) Your 'biological clock' is ticking. On the same tip as above, some women stay with a partner they aren't happy with because they want to have a child. I'm not getting any younger, they think, so I'd better settle down and have a child before it's 'too late'. I completely understand this; in fact, sometimes the clock ticks so loud that I fear I'll go deaf. However, don't stay with a man because think time is running out. The truth is that all of those 'facts' we heard growing up about the dangers of having kids in our late 30s and beyond are no longer true; that is, if they ever were to begin with. Until you enter menopause, you are not 'too old'.

3) The sex is great. He might rock your world in the bedroom, but what happens when you're not in bed? What will it be like when the 'sparks' inevitably fade?

4) 'For The Kids”. This is admirable, but kids often pick up on negative feelings in their home. In fact, several of my friends whose parents have stayed together when they weren't happy tell me that they wish their parents had just gotten a divorce because it made them feel guilty. They felt that they were ultimately the cause of their parents' pain and just wanted everyone to be happy, even if that meant they weren't living in the same house anymore. Yes, their parents' breakup was hard, but it was better than having to listen to them fight all the time or knowing that they didn't love each other the way spouses should. Remember, this is how they learn how to handle their own relationships in the future.

For brevity's sake, I will continue this in another post.

Bullying In The Workplace, Part I

When you hear the word, 'bullying', what comes to mind? When I hear that term, I usually think of the stupid things like being made fun of for having a lisp I dealt with in middle school. Other people I know report being gossiped about, physically threatened and asked out by a popular guy as a joke. I know we want to think that we left that sort of thing behind when we grew up but, sadly, some people never do. Since they can't do so in the locker room, however, these 'adult bullies' pick their targets from the workplace. But how can you identify 'office bullying'? How can you tell if you or someone you know is being bullied? If bullying does go on, what can you do about it?

Some examples of workplace bullying are:

• Being singled out for criticism while others get away with murder. For instance, having a minor mistake being blown up so much that you have 8 different people talk to you about it (thank you, Office Space)
• Having work either heaped upon you for no particular reason or assigned to someone else while you are relegated to menial tasks (making copies, filing, etc) that are not part of your job description
• Having unrealistic expectations set, especially if those expectations change as you get close to achieving them. 
• Someone seems to have a personal agenda against you and you have no idea why
• Others can be nasty to you without penalty, but you are reprimanded if you defend yourself
  
• Not being told about deadlines until it is too late to meet them or having deadlines changed for no reason. For instance, I once got into trouble for missing an early-morning meeting that I had no way to know about ahead of time.
• Sometimes, being given grief about having other commitments outside of the job. For example, the incident above occurred in a part-time restaurant job. I wasn't able to come to random meetings during the week because I had a full-time job, and one manager made such a big deal about it that I quit a job I had had and enjoyed for over two years.
• Having others take credit for your work or your contributions belittled or ignored
• Superiors 'pulling rank' to get you to do things for them that aren't in your job description, an adult version of 'do my homework or I'll beat you up'
• Being the butt of teasing or gossip
• Being isolated/excluded/ignored/overridden/sidelined for no real reason
• Being pushed/coerced to quit, take early retirement, take leave, etc, such as the restaurant job I mentioned above.
• Being 'talked down to' or belittled, especially in front of others

Like I said, some people never grow out of behavior that should have ended by the time they hit puberty. While most of these are trivial in and of themselves, they can be destructive when they happen on a regular basis and add to stress you may already be feeling.

In the next post, I'll go over how you can tell if someone you know is being bullied and, if so, what you can do about it.

Tips To Prevent Going Through A Divorce

All relationships take quite a bit of effort, for both parties. Unfortunately, divorces are becoming more popular and couples have lost the determination to continue to improve their commitments without failing. Divorce is never an event that couples intend on going through, it is a common circumstance that millions of households are faced with every year.

While there will always be many couples that have simply destroyed their relationships and cannot possibly repair them, those marriages are doomed for divorce. There are however, thousands of them that can be salvaged and to avoid a divorce should always be an option if possible. When couples are faced with the terms of the divorce it can be more of an emotional struggle than what is needed. Not only is it emotionally strenuous, but it can also be financially challenging and even worse if there are children involved. To work things out for the couples that still love one another and in the cases where bridges have not been burned, it is much easier to seek the help and guidance to make things work.

The first issues that must be addressed are to be completely honest and candid with your spouse. This many equate even exposing certain feelings or thoughts that you may have had with your spouse to ensure that you are being honest and encouraging your spouse to trust you. Two people can be married for years and while they may not feel the same they once did when they got married, if they trust one another then they can essentially continue a civil marriage and begin to work out the kinks.

The second element is to always talk it out, open communication is imperative in a marriage. If you fester up hurt or angry feelings and keep them inside you, in due time those feelings will be expressed in the middle of an argument with your spouse.

Next, if you truly love your spouse then show it through your actions. This means embracing your husband or wife when you see them, and making time to be with them. If you work nonstop all week long, then you best make some time during the weekends to be with your spouse and to experience all that life has to enjoy together. A simple hug or quick dinner together can mean the world in a struggling marriage. Once those small tokens of effort are noticed they also become contagious as well. It is as if you are near someone with a great laugh, you also begin laughing and the thoughtful gestures you put out there will be appreciated especially in a struggling marriage.

Learning to appreciate your spouse all over again may take a few weeks, but it is well worth the time. This is the person you were so fond of that you decided to marry them, make that the primary focus and after a few weeks of extra effort from both parties you may feel as if you are now in a brand new marriage!