7 Bad Reasons To Stay In A Relationship, Part II

(continued from previous post)

5) You don't know when to quit. It's true that every relationship has its ups and downs as time and life goes on. In fact, I think part of the reason for the high divorce rate in this country is that some people have no concept of this and bail once it's not fun anymore. However, it's very possible to lean too far in the other direction. We think that if we just work a little harder on things, change ourselves enough or change him enough, things will work out. This isn't necessarily true. Sometimes a relationship can't be saved because it's not meant to be saved.

6) You don't want to hurt him/be mean/etc. For many of us, our good nature tells us that we have to be nice all the time. If we hurt someone or do something that could be seen as 'mean', we feel guilty. I once had someone manipulate me like this, and I regret it to this day. He threatened to hurt himself more than once, and I didn't want to be responsible for something like that. Who would? If he says something like this to get you to stay, don't fall for it! If someone is unbalanced enough to hurt himself because of a breakup, he needs a lot more help than you could give. This is coming from someone who has been on both sides.

Think about it this way; what would you rather have done for you? Would you rather him stay with you when he clearly doesn't want to, or would you want him to break it off all at once? The longer a breakup is dragged out, the more painful it is for everyone.

7) You're afraid to be alone. This is a big one for me. You might have been in a relationship of some kind for so long that you don't know what to do with yourself if you don't have a partner. You worry that you won't be able to get him back if you realize you made a mistake or if you can't find anyone else. Trust me, being alone is better than being with the wrong person. Also, you're probably not truly alone-you have friends, family, pets, etc. As hard as it is to leave our 'comfort zone', sometimes it's the only thing we can do. 'The devil you know' is still a devil.

If one or more of these things are true for you, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship with your partner. Yes, the breakup will hurt. That's a given. However, sometimes there is no painless way out of a situation. If you stay too long in the wrong relationship, you may miss out on the right one.

It's well worth the effort to save a good relationship. However, if you are always trying to save it, it's probably not a good relationship.

7 Bad Reasons To Stay In A Relationship, Part 1

Have you ever been in a bad relationship? I'm not necessarily talking about abuse; I'm talking about staying in a situation you aren't happy with. I've had relationships where we both knew it was over, but no one wanted to say the words. I've also had them where I wasn't happy but, for whatever reason, I thought I had to stay. I know I'm not alone in this. Have you ever wondered why his happens? Here are some of the more common (and also more destructive) reasons.

1) You feel pressured to settle down. While it's true that attitudes regarding women and relationships have come a long way in the past few decades, some of us may still feel as though we are 'behind'. Think about it-have you ever had your mother ask when you are going to give her grandchildren? Do well-meaning friends and relatives try to 'set you up' with people they know? “I just met X's son...he's a dentist, he's single, he doesn't have any kids or ex-wives etc. ” You get the idea. Also, are all of your friends married? The pressure to settle down and start a family can be enormous, sometimes to the point where we will stay in a relationship we don't want to be in because we feel like we 'have to'. As much as we want to please Grandma or give her great-grandchildren before she dies (another common 'rationalization'), remember that she is not the one who has to live with your partner; you are. Don't stay in an unhappy relationship to please someone else.

2) Your 'biological clock' is ticking. On the same tip as above, some women stay with a partner they aren't happy with because they want to have a child. I'm not getting any younger, they think, so I'd better settle down and have a child before it's 'too late'. I completely understand this; in fact, sometimes the clock ticks so loud that I fear I'll go deaf. However, don't stay with a man because think time is running out. The truth is that all of those 'facts' we heard growing up about the dangers of having kids in our late 30s and beyond are no longer true; that is, if they ever were to begin with. Until you enter menopause, you are not 'too old'.

3) The sex is great. He might rock your world in the bedroom, but what happens when you're not in bed? What will it be like when the 'sparks' inevitably fade?

4) 'For The Kids”. This is admirable, but kids often pick up on negative feelings in their home. In fact, several of my friends whose parents have stayed together when they weren't happy tell me that they wish their parents had just gotten a divorce because it made them feel guilty. They felt that they were ultimately the cause of their parents' pain and just wanted everyone to be happy, even if that meant they weren't living in the same house anymore. Yes, their parents' breakup was hard, but it was better than having to listen to them fight all the time or knowing that they didn't love each other the way spouses should. Remember, this is how they learn how to handle their own relationships in the future.

For brevity's sake, I will continue this in another post.

Signs A Relationship Might Not Work Out

My parents once told me, 'never date anyone you couldn't marry.' If you think about it, it's really good advice. You don't want to waste your time with a person or in a position that isn't good for you. Life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship. There have been so many times that I've stayed in relationships longer than I really should have because I couldn't admit to myself that it wasn't going to work out. I wasted a lot of time and energy this way! In the hopes that I can save you from doing the same thing, here are a few signs that a relationship isn't going to work out.

• You and your partner are not at the same place and/or stage in your lives. This is where age can be a factor. Even if you are the same age, however, problems can crop up if you are at two totally different and conflicting places in your lives. For instance, someone still living at home while in school is probably in a different stage than an independently-living professional. A young, single person is usually in a different stage than someone who is divorced with kids. If you are working toward being in the same place in your lives, that's fine. However, things may not go anywhere if one of you is always playing 'catch-up'.
• Your expectations don't line up. If one of you is hoping for marriage while the other just wants to date and have fun, that can be a problem. Expectations often change as the relationship develops, but you need to at least have an understanding of where things are headed. If not, you might find yourself stuck in a rut. You should at least be on the same page.
• You find yourself constantly wanting to change the other person, or vice versa. It's one thing to try to get your boyfriend not to wear the bikini-girl shirt in front of your mother, but the two of you shouldn't be trying to make each other into something else entirely. While you may not love everything about each other, there needs to be an underlying respect and acceptance. Otherwise, why would you want to be in the relationship to begin with?

I'm not a therapist by any means, but these are a few things I've learned over the course of my life. I learned them the hard way, and I'm sharing them so that you may not have to. There's just one more thing I'll mention:

Above all, ask yourself if you are wiling to live the rest of your life in the same position you are in right now. Hopefully things will change for the better, but you should be prepared for the possibility they won't. The old adage of 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst' is very apt in this situation. It might very well be worth the effort needed to save a good relationship. However, if you're always trying to save it, chances are it's not a good relationship.